The Cooper Comic Book Conspiracy
by QueenSpicy
Summary: Love is too large for definition. Too complex for simplification. Dr. Cooper learned to unravel the secrets of the universe. Is he strong enough to unravel the secrets of the human heart?- Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory is Chuck Lorre's. I just play with the characters on occasion. Cover image is by Jislane35, who had the good grace to let me borrow it for a while.
1. Chapter 1

**The Cooper Comic Book Conspiracy**

It was a sad time for the tenants of the fourth floor. Poor Sheldon's greatest triumph was overshadowed by the passing his beloved Mee-Maw.

Sometime in the previous year, Dr. Cooper was finally able to prove String Theory, thus rendering Loop Theory and its supporters redundant (pun intended), as well as earning his much coveted Nobel Peace Prize.

Being a laureate never felt so good. He imagined that it would feel a whole lot better once he got his hands on his trophy. He decided long ago he would take his Mee-Maw to Switzerland for the award ceremony. On the tenth of December he sat in the front row practically vibrating with excitement. When he got up to receive his prize he felt relief and joy fill him to the point he felt he would burst. After his speech he looked out into the crowd to see his Mee-Maw's eyes teary with joy and pride in her Moonpie's accomplishment. But he also noticed the traces of deep sadness.

'_Why would Mee-maw be sad?', _he thought. But just ignored it just as quickly as it emerged.

A month later Mee-Maw got very sick. Mary called her son to tell him to come home, it wouldn't be long now and he should say his good-bye. Sheldon rushed from Pasadena to his Mee-maw's side pausing only long enough to have Leonard drive him to the airport.

When he got the hospital, Mary watched as her son shut the door room door to have his last moments with her mother. Propped up against the wall, she prayed that God give him the strength to endure the loss. Twenty minutes later, he came out looking crushed and looking every bit his thirty-three years. Her eyes blurred as she took her baby in her arms.

Sheldon eventually made it back to California a few days after the burial. Barely noticing his friends waiting in the living room, he walked straight to his room and shut the door.

That was two days ago.

It was Wednesday- comic book night- when Leonard knocked on Sheldon's door.

"Sheldon, are you going to come out? It's comic book night and we'll be leaving soon."

"Go away, Leonard."

"Come on, Sheldon. You can't stay in there. You haven't come out in two days. Please come out. I'm worried about you, Buddy."

"Fine. Although, I don't see the point." Sheldon came out looking pale and frail. Stubble dusted his chin and smelled like he was due for a shower.

"Why don't you clean up while I fix you a little something to eat?"

"Ok", he replied sullenly as he turned to gather his things. Leonard walked into the living room surprised and very worried for his friend.

"How's he doing? Did he come out?" asked Raj.

"Yeah, he came out. But I'm really worried about him." At this Howard scoffed.

"He's locked himself in his room before. Remember how he was when we came back from the arctic?"

"Howard, this is different. When I told him to get cleaned up, he didn't make a fuss. He just meekly obeyed."

"Wow, that's bad." As Leonard moved into the kitchen to make his roommate a sandwich, his neighbor let herself in.

"Hey guys. Is Sheldon still in his room?" Leonard looked up from his task. "No, he's in the shower now. What's up?"

"The new mail guy put some of your envelopes in my box again and one of them was a letter sent by his Mee-Maw."

An uncomfortable hush settled over the apartment. Then Howard moved into gear.

"Change of plans, we're not going to the comic book store tonight. Penny, go shower while I order pizza. Raj, text Bernie and Amy. Tell them to get here as fast as they can." Leonard eyed Howard quizzically.

"Why do they need to be here?"

"Normal people have a support system when they're grieving. This is Sheldon we're talking about here. Once he reads that letter, it'll reopen the wound. So we need all the support we can rally."

Penny looked at Howard and gave him a rueful smile. "Never thought I'd say this, but Wolowitz is right. That's very thoughtful Howard. I'll be back in ten."

Eventually Sheldon emerged from the bathroom freshly showered and cleanly shaven. As he walked out of the hall he was greeted by the scent of pizza and the sight of his friends waiting in the living room.

"I thought we were going to the comic book store." He looked around the room feeling confused and looked to his roommate for clarification.

"Leonard?"

"There's been a change of plans. Why don't you take a seat and have a slice?"

Sheldon picked three slices from a box. He didn't normally have that many, but living off the meager rations from his emergency kit was not an experience he cared to repeat. He was pretty hungry. A sense of comfort washed over him as he settled in his spot surrounded by his friends…and Howard. After a few bites of his pizza, he decided to just ask. "Why are all of you here?"

"Because it was Howard's idea", answered Amy.

"Why did you ask everyone here? Do you have some announcement you would like to share?"

Howard got a sort of distressed look on his face as he answered. "I thought you would need some sort of social comfort during your time of grief."

"Oh", said Sheldon as he looked down at his plate. "Why not just make me a hot beverage?"

The room seemed to prickle with anticipation at Howard's response.

"A hot beverage is for when someone is upset. With grief, one should be surrounded by family and/or one's social group to provide support and comfort." After a pause he concluded his explanation with "it's a non-optional social convention."

"Oh." Sheldon made a mental note to change Howard's status from acquaintance to friend.

The rest of the meal progressed with idle chatter, though Sheldon was unusually silent but no one remarked on his behavior rightly guessing that he was thinking about his grandmother. Eventually every one finished their meal and another awkward silence dominated the room. It was agreed by all that Penny would have to hand Sheldon the letter but she sorely wished she could stall for time. She didn't want to see her friend hurting.

Amy coughed and Penny knew that was her cue to get it over with so that they could help him move on. But she couldn't find the words. Anticipating her plight, Amy cleared her throat and suggested a movie. Everyone was moving around trying to find a good seat when Penny finally plucked up the courage to complete here task.

"Hey, Sheldon, this came for you. The new mailman must have messed up again." Sheldon took the letter and moved to his desk. He looked down at the envelope in his hands and paused mid stride, then rushed to his desk for a letter-opener.

He stood by his desk for long minutes staring at the envelope taking in his grandmother's familiar scrawl. Each letter was perfectly proportioned. Every word was evenly spaced slanting to the right. In a smooth motion he slid the opener along the top seam and carefully removed a thick wad of pages. He sat as he gingerly unfurled the letter.

The rest of the room sat quietly and pretended to watch the screen, all the while sending furtive glances in Sheldon's direction. After a few minutes, he gently refolded the letter back into thirds and slipped it back into its envelope. He stood, shoulders no longer drooping, and walked confidently back into his room and shut the door. The rest of the group looked around at each other not sure what just happened, much less what to do about it.

Sheldon came out of his room again with eyes slightly wet and nose a touch pink. He walked over to his spot next to Amy and settled down to watch the movie. Leonard hit the pause button and turned to his friend.

"You okay, Sheldon?" In turn, Sheldon looked up at his pal.

"No, but I will be." He looked around at his circle of friends, which now included Howard, and said a simple phrase. "Thank you."

The tension in the room broke.

Leonard pressed play.

Life, like the move, resumed.

**~O~**

Weeks had passed in much the same way they did before: Sheldon stuck with his schedule with everyone else towing along. Leonard, however, noticed some subtle changes. Sheldon was a bit less chatty. He now, on occasion, let others dominate the topics of conversation. He listened a bit more carefully and wasn't as quick to treat others with condescension, which, Leonard thought, proved to make him twitchier (if that were possible).

Amy also noticed a few changes. After having Leonard escort her to the wedding, Sheldon seemed more attentive. For instance, one girl's night in with Penny and Bernadette, Penny trimmed her hair and cleaned up her eyebrows. A few days later, he noted the change and said that her "hair looked even and eyebrows looked neatly groomed". Sure, it wasn't anything _near_ "you look beautiful", but from Sheldon, she would take what he could get.

**~O~**

One morning, a few months after the letter came, things were about to change drastically.

Leonard walked in and dropped on the couch after working all night at the university doing what he did best with lasers. Sheldon walked out into the living room about a minute later and greeted his roommate cheerfully.

"Good morning, Leonard." Leonard gave a slightly sarcastic wave. "Glad to see you're safely back from testing hypotheses which have already been proven. I would like a moment of your time before Raj gets here."

Normally, Leonard would defend his work but he was too exhausted to even _contemplate_ summoning the energy to do so. It was simpler to let Sheldon get on with his prepared speech.

"As you already know, since M Theory has been proven by yours truly, I have received many requests by many organizations around the world to speak on my accomplishment. As a result, I have decided to tender my resignation at the university in order to tour the country, Europe and Asia. In doing so, I will be in need of an assistant who will organize my itinerary while I'm off doing more important things with my time."

To say the least, Leonard was mildly shocked at this revelation. He was flattered that his best friend thought of him first. Truthfully, to go on tour as Sheldon's lackey held no appeal for him. Being his a lackey in a normal setting with all the comforts of home was one thing. Being Sheldon's lackey while practically living in planes, trains and automobiles was an altogether different matter. He would have to think about it carefully. Realizing that he'd been quiet for too long, he stood to reply on the way to his bedroom.

"I'm pretty tired, Sheldon. Let me sleep on it and we'll talk about it when you get home." Sheldon gave a curt nod of agreement.

"Pleasant dreams, then", and with that he walked out of the apartment.

**~O~**

Penny was tired. Bone tired. Emotionally tired. The grind was getting to her. Each day brought an increasing sense of dissatisfaction with her life in general. She wasn't in a meaningful relationship. Her acting career was nearly defunct and she now hated cheesecake.

The very smell filled her with foreboding. Customers were nasty. Tips were terrible. She was getting nowhere fast.

Most of the income was going to an agent who wasn't doing much for her career. As a result, she was nearly always broke and just scraping by. It weren't for the guys across the hall, she'd literally be a starving actress.

Penny was on the verge of depression

It seemed like everyone around her was moving on and being successful. Bernie got her PhD, is in love and planning a wedding. That's progress even if she is marrying Wolowitz. Sheldon won the Nobel Prize. Leonard said he was busy creating new sets of experiments based off Sheldon's work. Amy is getting plenty of her articles published in neuro-science journals, has a boyfriend who is, not only successful, but also showing signs he may be morphing into a real boy. Even Raj has been making improvements on the whole not-talking-to-girls-sober thing. Since he's been hanging out with Stuart he occasionally slips and makes a comment in front of the girls without the aid of alcohol.

She's the only on who's stuck. Maybe she should really throw in the towel and move back to Nebraska. Penny let out a large sigh as she trudged up the last flight of stairs to her floor. All she wanted was a drink and a hot shower before she made the soul-crushing call to her parents. All she wanted was to become famous so she could get rich and travel the world. But she knew she couldn't go on living like she was. She needed a break and at this point even a small one would do.

**~O~**

Sheldon had an unusually productive day at the office. It was rather bizarre to from theorizing one day to executing a great many tasks in preparation of his imminent departure from the university. Gathering his many books. Figuring out the best place to store them. Handing in his resignation to Dr. Gablehauser. Creating his own website to communicate with the world's physics community. Lunch with his friends was a tedious affair. Koothrappali kept weeping over his spaghetti (it was a wonder that it didn't turn to soup) and Wolowitz was his usual Wolowitz self. Half way through the meal, Sheldon excused himself so that he could get on with his afternoon but not before getting Priya's number from Raj. He was in need of a contract lawyer to assist with a few of his future endeavors. He also needed to contact Stuart to make arrangements with receiving a new comic book on every comic book night no matter where he was.

Before he knew it, it was time to call it a day. He felt a sense of accomplishment. Phase one of his plan was under way. Sheldon only needed to get through this conversation with Leonard to get moving on the next portion of this phase.

"Hello, Leonard. Did you get sufficient rest?" he said as he shut the door. Leonard was sitting at his desk and looked up at his roommate somewhat nervously. "Yes, I did. Thanks for asking."

Sheldon dropped his bag on his desk chair. "Now that we have dispensed with the necessary pleasantries, have you come to a decision about my offer?" Leonard shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"I have."

He paused to clear his throat and lifted his chin a fair approximation of defiance. "After thinking about it, I've decided to decline your offer."

"I see."

"Maybe you should ask Penny." Sheldon startled at that suggestion.

"Penny? Why would I ask Penny?"

"Because she's your friend and she's good at getting your requests right on the first try. She doesn't mind taking care of you when you're sick. Plus, she's been pretty miserable lately."

"Miserable? What does that have to do with anything?"

"If you think back to all of your interactions with her in the last six months, does she seem to be happy?" At this Sheldon paused.

"Now that you mention it, her smile has seemed a bit forced." He paused for another moment. "But the reason I asked you in the first place was because you are familiar with physics."

"Penny doesn't need to know anything about physics to be your assistant. Plus, she's an attractive young woman with good fashion sense. I'm sure there will be a number of galas and social events where your attendance would be very much sought after. You'll probably need competent arm candy now and again."

Sheldon stared off into space for a moment.

"Perhaps I need to take the time to further think this through. Thank you, Leonard."

**~O~**

_Knock knock knock, _"Penny."

_Knock knock knock, _"Penny."

_Knock knock knock, _"Penny."

"Yes, Sheldon?" Penny was not pleased. She finally worked up the courage to call her parents to tell them that she was coming home for good. It took two and a half glasses of wine to muster some spine and Sheldon knocking at her door was all it took to crumble her resolve. If it weren't for her quickly diminishing hope for a good future, she would let herself believe that the universe didn't want her to quit.

"I would like to speak to you for a few minutes. May I come in?" She sighed with exasperation.

"Sure, why not?" Maybe the universe was giving her time to summon actual courage instead of the liquid kind. "Make yourself comfortable."

Sheldon took a deep breath. "It has come to my attention recently that you are currently dissatisfied with your life and I came to offer you a solution." Penny stared at her neighbor in shock.

"What are you talking about, Sheldon?"

"You may not be aware of this, but I've resigned my post at the university. It will be official in a month's time at which point, I'll go on tour across these United States, Europe and Asia to give various speeches and attend various events headed by science communities. Of course, I am in need of an assistant to help me keep track of my itinerary while I'm off doing other things with my time."

"Okay, Sweetie, are you asking me to be your assistant?" Sheldon huffed in annoyance.

"I thought I just said that, but yes."

"I don't think so. I've decided to quit my career as an actress and go home to Nebraska."

"You can't do that Penny. I need you to be my assistant. _That_ certainly has to be better than wasting away in the middle of nowhere." Penny felt her blood pressure rise.

"Get out, Sheldon."

"But, Penny…"

"GET OUT!"

Penny shoved Sheldon out of her apartment and slammed the door behind him.

**~O~**

She cried herself to sleep that night. She knew he was only trying to help but this was something she had to do for herself. Her grief at the thought of leaving exhausted her. She blamed the alcohol and the spicy wings for the strange dream she had that night…

_She looked…different. _

_Darker? _

_But she felt beautiful._

_Confident._

_Strong._

_She wore a peach satin dress that was like the iconic one Jean Harlow once wore. She was at a castle walking through its spacious halls toward the music. As she walked past a window she caught glimpses of the moon through towers and ancient trees. _

_It almost felt magical. _

_Eventually, she made it to the grand ballroom. The string quartet was playing something waltzy. She took a deep breath and stepped through a medieval looking archway. Standing there she took in her surroundings. _

_The soft lights on the tables. _

_The glinting chandelier._

_It was an effort to ignore the looks but she felt bolstered by their attention. _

_Maybe he'll look at her like they do._

_Where was he? Finding him shouldn't be so hard when he's so tall. _

_As she moved past the entrance, the whispers and mutters got louder. There was a flash here and there but she barely noticed. She could feel his gaze though she still couldn't see him._

_She was maneuvering through the throng of guests and dignitaries. As she sipped champagne she felt a presence behind her. His long fingers brushed along her forearm and gently grasped her fingers._

"_You look exquisite, dance with me."_

_She let her gaze travel up from their fingers to his face. Nothing was clear. He was familiar, but not. She was captivated and lost in his eyes. He led her to the dance floor and she changed._

_Catching her blurred reflection from a nearby window, her dress was a dark shimmering blue. It contrasted beautifully with her fair skin and strawberry-blond hair._

_She looked up at his face and he seemed different but with the same captivating eyes. He led them confidently around the dance floor. All eyes were on them. _

_She felt their envy. _

_Their awe. _

_When the dance finished he led them to a side door and they were on a beach under the full moon._

"_Please, come with me." His fingers brushed her cheek as he begged in soft pleading tones. "Please, Penny." _

_She sighed and look down, her dress was peach again. "I can't." she replied. _

"_Kiss me, then." Her heart hammered she was so scared. He moved slowly forward until his lips were nearly grazing hers. _

"_Please, come with me." His mouth met hers tentatively for a moment. _

"_I can't." she whispered back when they parted._

"_I'll take care of you." He said sotto voce._

"_I'm scared." She returned. _

_His lips brushed against hers again in the sweetest almost-kiss._

"_Don't be." He moved in, fully intent on ravishing her._

"_Sheldon, please…" _

_He pulled her against him…_

**~O~**

The next morning, Sheldon's ego was still smarting from the way Penny unceremoniously booted him from his apartment. He didn't even get a chance to detail the benefits. He called the university to let them know he would be working from home. After his conversation with Amy the night before, he now saw that he needed to change tactics. First, there were a few phone calls he would need to make. He was glad for having an intelligent female friend like Amy. Her suggestion was brilliant. Ruthless, but brilliant. Amy's grasp of her "bestie's" personality was astounding. He figured it was all a part of what made Amy Farrah Fowler a vixen. He smirked at himself. I was a good thing she was using her powers for good and the advancement of science otherwise, her enemies should beware…

He picked up his phone and dialed the first number on his agenda.

**~O~**

Priya sat curled up on the couch on in her suite. The television was on but she was distracted by the view of Central Park.

_He should be calling any minute._

Loathe as she was to admit it, she enjoyed speaking to Sheldon. He may not like her much but he still treated her with some respect. All other men she interacted with could be sorted into two categories: those who were intimidated and those who underestimated her because she was born female.

Then there was Sheldon.

He never backed down (that stunt with the countdown was almost poetry). He didn't blink or waver when she tried to charm him to get her way. Moreover, if their recent interactions were anything to go on, he had faith in her abilities in contract law. High praise indeed according to Leonard. If this conversation went well, she would have an interesting side project to keep her busy when the firm wasn't in need of her services. Priya suspected he had something big planned. If she played her cards right, she would be a part of whatever it was. Doors would open. Lots of money would be made and she could get out of having to be-

The cell phone on the side table buzzed with irritation while Seether sang "Eyes of the Devil". Sneaking a look at the screen she spied Sheldon's frowning face. _Think of the devil… _she mused.

"Hello, Sheldon. I trust you are well." She smiled slightly at him.

Sheldon blinked at her cordiality and gave her a slight smile back. "I am. I trust you are also well."

"I am," she replied.

"Good. Let's, as the saying goes, 'cut to the chase'." Priya gave a curt nod of assent.

"As per our previous conversation, I have tendered my resignation at the university. However, I encountered a snag when I asked Leonard to be my assistant. He refused. Consequently, my plans had to accommodate a new variable. Namely, Penny." Priya's perfectly groomed eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Penny?"

"Yes. Penny." Sheldon eyed her carefully before continuing. "Leonard declined my offer but suggested Penny as the better choice. However, when I started to offer her the position, I was summarily dismissed." His voice cracked at the end of his sentence and Priya had to purse her lips to keep from smiling as Sheldon eventually got around to his point.

"With the help of Amy Farrah Fowler, I've come up with a way to get her to be my assistant." Here he paused for effect.

"You've intrigued me. Go on."

Sheldon was aware that both Priya and Penny didn't quite get along at first. But things did seem to turn around before Priya moved back to India. He hoped he could secure her assistance.

"Basically, I've planned to strip her of any other alternative and then dangle something she deeply desires in front of her to 'sweeten the deal'." At this Priya perked up and filled in the blank.

"You mean a thriving acting career."

"Very good, Priya." He gave her a genuine smile and she beamed with pleasure.

"What would you like me to do?"

"A bit of research on common contracts used by the more successful actors in the industry. I trust you would be able to find the required information."

She schooled her features into cool professionalism, though internally she swelled with excitement. "I'll see what I can do," she replied in a non-committal tone. "Is there a deadline?"

"I only need the more basic information in five days. _After _Penny accepts my offer, I'll consider a more permanent arrangement between us." He gazed at her for a moment and his eyes softened slightly.

"This is very important to me, Priya. Please don't let me down. Good day."

"Good day, Sheldon."

With that the video chat ended but she stared at the screen for a while after, thoughts reeling.

Her instinct was correct.

This.

Is.

Big.

The man was practically the smartest person on the planet. If he was able to prove his theories, making Penny into a star should be child's play. If she could help Penny's career to get to at least "thriving", there would be more money to be had. Sheldon said he would consider her for future projects. If she met his expectations or even exceeded them, she could be well on her way to becoming an independent consultant. _Her _dream would come true by helping someone else achieve theirs.

Good karma, indeed.

**~O~**

Wyatt stared at his phone. His week had been the strangest he'd ever live through, but the most satisfying.

Although he's never said it out loud, he was proud of his youngest daughter. The girl was turning out to have a good head on her shoulders. He never thought it would be a bad idea for her to move from home at such a young age. He always told her mother she was too hard on the poor kid about her decision. Things seemed to start working out for his girl after she broke up with that Kurt fella.

He noticed some of the changes not long after she moved across the hall from those smart boys. Penny started using bigger words. Their topics of conversation expanded (somewhat) to science and even some politics. But boy, was he ever disappointed when she broke up with Leonard.

While she was with him, he worried considerably less because at least she wasn't involved with some meathead. It wasn't until _after_ he met Leonard and that quirky roommate of his that he relaxed altogether. Wyatt saw that those three had a strong friendship. Penny got along with both Leonard and Sheldon better than she did with her own siblings. They seemed to understand and look after each other like they were family.

Yes, theirs was a gang of misfits, but a family none the less, and by extension, he considered them family as well. Just like them, he would do anything for his family. Including going along with this hare-brained scheme. He trusted Leonard and his judgment. So, if he said that his exceptional roommate accomplishes everything he puts his mind to, then he was just going to trust that his baby girl would eventually forgive what he was about to do. Her mother may not understand at first, but he would do absolutely _anything_ to ensure his daughter's happiness. Hopefully his wife would see reason and come to the same conclusion.

The phone in his hand came back into focus. He needed to call his wife first. Then he would be able to get everyone on board.

**~O~**

"SON OF A BITCH!"

A loud crash echoed through the hall. Sheldon was one flight from his apartment and was filled with both glee and dread. He needed to tread carefully. He could hear Penny's profanity punctuated with the sound of objects being thrown across the room. He quickly moved up the stairs and entered his apartment as quietly as he could. Leonard was sitting in his computer chair staring at the door.

"I gather she's just spoken to her parents." Leonard's eyes widened with fear before he responded.

"Yeah, I think you're right." He hesitated before speaking again. "Do you really think she'll agree after what we've done?"

"Yes, I do."

BANG. BANG. BANG. "SHELDON!"

BANG. BANG. BANG. "SHELDON!"

BANG. BANG. BANG. "SHELDON!"

Penny was _furious_. Sheldon took a fortifying breath before opening the door.

"Hello, Penny."

"I'm going to kill you, Sheldon. How DARE you?" Penny's cheeks were bright red and the air seemed to crackle with her anger. "How could you do that, Sheldon? I thought we were friends."

"Penny I really need you to be my assistant. I can't have you go back to Nebraska when I need you."

"What about what I want? Doesn't that even matter to you?" Penny was perilously close to tears. "I can't believe you also got me fired from The Cheesecake Factory." Tears started streaming down her face. "Why would you do that to me, Sheldon?" she whispered the question but somehow it seemed worse than yelling.

"I did it, Penny, because I care." He took a deep breath. "You are a very proud woman. A quality which is both admirable and cumbersome in a fledging acting career. I did not mean to offend you when I phrased my offer so badly, for that I apologize. I did what I did to both make you listen and see reason." Sheldon gestured to the padded chair by his spot. Penny calmed considerably and decided that she had no choice but to hear the whack-a-doodle out. Sheldon looked at his roommate.

"Leonard, would you please make enough tea for the three of us."

"Sure," he said as he scurried into the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Cooper Comic Book Conspiracy**

"Penny, I understand how this could be embarrassing for you. But I asked you to be my assistant because after I finish my tours, I fully intend returning the favor."

At this Penny started. "What do you mean you intend to return the favor?" Before he could reply, Leonard came back to the living room with Sheldon and Penny's tea.

"Well, I estimate that it would take the better part of eight months to travel across the country to speak at various conferences and universities. There, of course, would be the occasional gala event to attend. We have a few months to organize the initial American tour and of course take a break for a few months before we would embark on the European and Asian tours. Your tasks as my assistant would be as simple as making and taking calls and keeping my schedule up to date. When I'm not speaking or doing anything related to physics, I would help you with various skills you would need to develop to become a successful actress. I can't be on the road by myself and you can't keep doing things the way you have if you're going to achieve true happiness and success."

He stopped talking so it would all sink in.

She sat quietly. Absently finding comfort in slowly sipping her tea. She definitely had a lot to think on. If she were honest with herself, this was _exactly_ the break she'd been hoping for. True, it wasn't anything like instantly being discovered (as she'd often dreamed) but it was better than nothing, right?

Before she could put more thought into it, Sheldon continued.

"I think it would be prudent to have a legal document detailing our respective duties and other guidelines regarding salary, compensation, room and board as well as expected behaviors. I have drawn up a tentative agreement which should cover all the basics." At this point he took an oak-tag folder that was sitting on the coffee table and handed it to Penny.

"You may read it at your leisure and make notes of some of the changes you would like to make. If you need help you can ask Leonard, but I would suggest you contact Priya, as she is the one who will draft the final copy.

"Priya is in on this too? I don't know…" she said.

Up to this point, Leonard was sitting on the other side of Penny listening to the conversation. He sensed her hesitation at the mention of his ex.

"I know you rub each other the wrong way, but Priya is actually an excellent business woman. She's able to put personal issues aside and get the job done." That made Penny feel only slightly better, but she was still a little unsure.

"I feel like I need a little time to think about it." She turned to Sheldon. "Can I read the agreement and get back to you?"

"Certainly."

**~O~**

Two days.

She'd been agonizing over it for two days and still could not make herself do it. Her mind was pretty much made up after talking to her dad about it the night before. She had a long discussion with Amy too. Bernie gave her pointers so she would be armed and ready. She almost went through with it a few times but, conveniently, got "side-tracked" by cleaning her apartment _twice_.

Yeah, she was procrastinating because she was dreading a conversation with Priya.

Make no mistake. She dutifully did her homework and tried to read up on contract law but a lot of it went over her head. Penny ended up just writing a list of requests from her future employer instead. Sheldon insisted on having a probation period of ninety days to see how it would go. He was nice enough to allow a renegotiation period. She was itching with questions. It cheesed her that the one person who could help was the last person she wanted to speak to. This definitely would not be a problem if she could afford her own lawyer. Maybe someday…

_**ARRGH!**_

Why was this so hard? Was it because she hated Priya? Could she conveniently blame her independent streak on her mom? Maybe when she could afford a therapist. She had to be a big girl and call her. If Priya could put aside her personal issues, so could she (no matter how badly she wanted to fling poop at her).

_Here goes nothing._

**~O~**

The phone vibrated against her palm. The screen showed an unfamiliar number with a three-two-three area code. A Pasadena area code.

_Must be Penny._

"Hello?"

"Um… Hi. Is this Priya?" the voice chirped in response. _Definitely Penny_.

"Yes, it is."

"Hey, it's Penny."

"Hey. How have you been?"

"Good. Good. You?" she asked apprehensively.

"Never better." This was the lamest start to their working relationship, Priya thought. Awkward too. She needed to put the girl at ease.

"Sheldon mentioned you would call at some point for some advice. I was beginning to think that you'd turn down his offer. It would have been a shame if you had."

"No, I'm taking him up on it. Why would you think it's a good offer?"

"I'm all for creating mutually beneficial alliances." Priya stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh." Penny thought she seemed kind of lame to her own ears.

"Penny, I'm sure you have a lot of questions but before we get to that, I'd like to apologize for some of the things I did to you while I was dating Leonard. It was uncalled for and I let my insecurity get the best of me. I don't wish for our future working relationship to be tainted by bad blood. I hope we could at least be civil."

Penny was flabbergasted.

She didn't think it would be this easy to talk to her nemesis… _In fact, that was too easy. Best to proceed with caution_.

"Wow. Thanks, Priya. I hardly know what to say. I'd like to be civil too."

**~O~**

When all was said and done, the emotional upheaval of the past two weeks was worth all the progress being made.

After their conversation that night, Priya was so happy that she and Penny were able to push forward that she bounced on the couch not caring that her behavior was a little undignified. She spent the better portion of the weekend working out all the caveats and addenda both parties would agree to. Then she spent the eight-hour plane trip from New York City to Pasadena feeling _very_ pleased with herself.

**~O~**

He'd been in bad shape for a while.

Stuart Bloom knew the end of his comic book shop was looming in the not so distant future. He was losing money which made him sorely regret letting himself get tricked by Larry, the shop's previous owner. He let a promising art career slip through his fingers based on a whim and poor judgment. The only thing keeping him from going bankrupt was the occasional costume party and card tournament that he'd charge for. They would spike sales for a while. Sometimes it was Raj's ideas and occasional bill-footing that kept him from tearing his hair out (or what was left of it).

But now, things were looking _really_ bad. The longer he stared at his ledger, the stronger that queer feeling in his stomach got. The bell above the door chimed, indicating customers. He closed out of his bookkeeping program and headed out to the front.

_Just as well,_ he thought. _If I stared at it any longer, I'm sure my ulcers would flare up and I don't have the money to refill my prescription._

**~O~**

"Stuart, you remember my sister Priya."

Priya moved to shake his hand and was instead greeting a clammy, floppy fish shaped as a hand. Stuart cocked his head at an impossible angle making it seem like his neck disappeared between his shoulders.

"Hello," he said, "nice to see you again."

"Likewise." She returned. "I'll just look around while you two talk." She moved slowly around the room taking in the wares.

She met Stuart once before when she was still with Leonard. It still amazed her how his awkward shyness disappeared when he would converse with his paying customers. Standing by one of the shelves, pretending to flip through a book, Priya was discreetly observing the somewhat shy store owner who was standing in the middle of the room.

His skin was pale. There was nothing remarkable about his features. His eyes were dark and only seemed to come alive while in a heated debate with her brother. He was weak-chinned and sickly looking. It looked like he didn't have enough weight on his thin frame. His clothes, though neat, were worn looking and hung off him. It was enough to make her feel a little sorry for him.

She kept moving around the room until she was standing in front of the checkout counter. Her fingers came in contact with pencil lying by a sketch pad.

The guys were chuckling about something and Priya glanced over her shoulder to make sure they were distracted while she leafed through it. The sketch pad was filled with pages upon pages of graphic art.

Muscled men toting impossibly large guns.

Big-breasted women with unnaturally tiny waists.

Partially demolished buildings sitting in its own rubble in scenes of war and destruction.

Men locked in fearsome fist fights.

Couples entwined in sinuous, blush-inducing embraces.

All remarkably realistic with just enough exaggeration to remind you of their fictional nature.

Stuart was a truly talented man wasting away in a tiny shop with paraphernalia covered in a fine layer of dust. Priya wondered how he got stuck in this place. He should be in some studio breathing life into stories with some of these masterful drawings. She was sure that with the amount of people who spent money on graphic novels and video games, Stuart would be rolling in piles of money.

_Huh. Now there was a thought._

Perhaps she should take on an additional pet project. Surely, Stuart would prove to be a most interesting subject.

**~O~**

All things considered, this wasn't a bad gig. By her estimation, Penny could be worse off. Her new job wasn't very difficult. She answered calls and set up meetings. In between, she'd use her (as Sheldon put it) 'brawny hands and corn-fed vigor' to move the boxes of books from his office to the apartment.

On this particular day, she was getting started on scanning his files before storing the hard copies. Sheldon walked in.

"How are things coming along?"

"Pretty good. I just finished packing the last of your books- they're in the car. I'm just now scanning files like you asked."

"Good. We need to talk." Sheldon leaned up on a corner of his desk.

"Now that you've helped make significant progress in packing up my office, it's time to move into the next part of our agreement."

Penny couldn't imagine there was anything left to do. Since she'd agreed to be his assistant almost three weeks ago, they spent the majority of their time taking inventory of all his books and comics. Sorting the items that would go into storage and would stay in his apartment. Sheldon insisted that they do the same in her apartment.

She didn't have much by worldly possessions. Just her TV, some movies and a meager music collection. But then, Sheldon already knew that. The man ignored her living room in favor of her bedroom closet. They spent two days going over every single article of clothing she owned.

He insisted that she try on every one to see what fit and what didn't. Then made her donate whatever didn't fit. She would have gone crazy if it weren't for the callback audition that she had the next day. She was excited at the prospect of her first screen test. At least, she was excited until she ran into Alicia. That definitely put a damper on her mood. She thought the audition went well and was in such a good mood that she barely put up a fuss when Sheldon asked her to give up her clubbing (slutty) clothes.

Suffice it to say, her closet was the most spacious she's seen it since the day she moved in.

Sheldon clearing his throat brought her back to the present.

"You may recall, a little over a week ago we sorted through your belongings and endured the process of gutting your closet. As we have discussed at the beginning of this venture, there will be a number of provisions concerning business expenses and compensation that I will have to satisfy as your employer. Priya has just dropped off the final copy of our contract. She has listed a few addenda to the original version of our agreement. It now states that I am to provide you with access to an expense account and a tuition reimbursement of sorts. I'll have you read over the document carefully then sign." He handed her the small stack of sheets.

"I don't understand. What does cleaning out my closet have to do with access to expense accounts and tuition reimbursement?"

"Penny, I hope you realize that as my assistant _you_ represent _me_. Your face is the first point of contact for many science institutions when we are working. People _will_ judge you by how you present yourself and by extension they will judge me by my choice of representative. This is true despite what you do for a living. I want to show you something."

Sheldon reached for this laptop to pull up a media file. What Penny saw on his laptop forever changed her perspective.

She watched in alarm as she saw herself bounce into the shot. She was wearing a light pink, vintage-looking Blow Pop tee shirt, tan shorts and pink flip flops. She went through her lines and was thanked for her time after being told by someone off camera that she would be contacted in a few days.

Penny was frozen stiff with mortification.

She was watching her screen test.

_How the hell did he get his hands on that?_

Sheldon minimized the window and clicked on another file.

A beautiful woman with light brown hair stepped into the shot. Penny immediately recognized her as her former upstairs neighbor: Alicia.

Apparently, she was auditioning for the same role. She recited the same lines, though admittedly not quite as well as Penny. When the clip ended, Sheldon waited a few moments before speaking.

"What are some of your observations?"

"I think I did it better."

"I believe you did better as well. Let me rephrase my question. What are your observations of both clips that do not pertain to the acting quality?"

"I'm not sure what you mean." Sheldon was starting to get annoyed. Penny was usually a very perceptive individual. He wondered if she was deliberately being obtuse or if her prolonged exposure to Hofstadter was to blame.

"Okay. Let's start easy. What did you enjoy about Alicia's audition?"

"Her outfit was about the only thing I liked." she said darkly. Penny thought back to the soft-looking burnt orange blouse paired with dark skinny jeans and cute brown ballet flats.

"Good. What else did you notice?" Sheldon slid off his desk and moved to his white board. He drew a big "T" and wrote Penny's name over the left column and Alicia's over the right. Then under Alicia's name he wrote 'outfit'. "Take yourself out of the equation and pretend you're a casting director."

Penny sat back in Sheldon's chair seriously considering the question.

"I suppose she seemed together- poised." Sheldon wrote 'poise' just below the word 'outfit'.

"Good. What else?"

"Alicia is a real mean bitch. But in the beginning, when she was answering questions about her experience, she seemed likeable. It was like she was a totally different person."

The word 'likeable' was jotted down next.

"Keep going."

"She also seemed industry savvy." Penny made a face like it pained her to admit it. "I can see that as a positive when hiring actresses."

'Savvy' and 'hirable' made it up on the list.

"I came to similar conclusions. Now, let's do you. Your acting was clearly better and you are more aesthetically pleasing. But instead of focusing on what you did right, why don't we list where you could improve? Remember, you have to think like a casting director."

Penny let out a heavy sigh. This would not be pleasant.

"First actress seemed juvenile. Like a thirteen-year-old stuck in a twenty-something's body. It would have been better if she acted more her age."

'Mature' was scrawled under her name.

"She also could have dressed better and not so much like she was in high school."

Sheldon thought for a moment before writing 'be more put together' on the board.

"Anything else?"

Penny sat up straighter as if she were finally making some connections.

"Ohhhhh," she said.

"Did they call you back for another screen test?"

"No. They called a few days later to let me know they gave the part to someone else. Oh my god, did Alicia get it?"

"Alicia did not get the part. That, however, is not the point. The woman who did get the part was just as talented as you but displayed the same polish as Alicia." Penny flinched when the pieces clicked in place.

"Penny, I do not wish to be mean or to hurt your feelings but realistically, you are in need of a life make-over."

_So am I,_ he thought.

**~O~**

Penny stood in the university cafeteria deciding that tuna melt looked better than the chef's salad. She put the sandwich on her tray and moved to the cashier counter. She stood in line quietly reflecting on the lesson Sheldon taught her in his office.

_I wonder if that's what they mean when they say I look 'too mid-west'._

That line certainly made sense now.

Penny was so absorbed by her thoughts that she did not sense when someone moved in close behind her.

"Hewwoh, Woxanne." Penny rolled her eyes.

"Heya, Kripke." She said flatly. He clutched his chest in mock affront.

"Pwease, caw me Bawwy. I heaw that you've been cweaning out Coopah's office. Do you know who wilw be moving in next?"

"Nope. As far as I know the department head is supposed to decide that. I suggest you go ask Dr. Gablehauser."

"You know, Coopah's office is pwime weal estate. I'm confident that if you put in a wohd, I could… make it wowth youah while."

"Did someone touch that soft spot on you head when you were an infant? Buzz off, Kripke."

"Awh, don't be wike that Woxanne."

"She said beat it, Kripke." Leonard said from behind him.

Barry spun in place to face Leonard a little too quickly and ended up head butting him by accident.

They fell to the floor in a heap of limbs and food hissing and cussing at each other.

"Kripke. Hofstadter. My office. Now!"

Both men looked up to see Mrs. Davis the HR lady staring back at them with appalled fury.

They were in BIG trouble.


End file.
